Every Day Upon Waking

Broken promises and little monsters

I lost my shit again today.

Even though I swore I wouldn’t, upon waking, just as I do every day.

Today, I would be the gentle mother.

The carefree mother.

The mother who brings her babies closer when they lose their way.

But I wasn’t, I didn’t, and I lost it. Again.

Even after two workouts, and feeling good in my body.

Even after being somewhat productive and having a few hours to focus alone.

Even after having the realization, just yesterday, that this time is so brief and I am so lucky, and this is the rebellion I am choosing.

I am choosing to have less time for my career.

I am choosing to live in a beautiful, progressive, but very expensive, city that I love.

I am choosing to parent without any outside help.

I think I am choosing them.

(Am I?)

I am defintely losing my fucking mind.

Again today, I swore I would respond strictly with compassion and understanding.

Connection would live at the center of my mind.

But then something happens.

And then another thing, and another thing, until I explode.

The gentle mother is now the screaming dragon who burns with the fire of a thousand suns.

It exhausts me. Disgusts me. Swamps me with guilt.

I try to make repairs, and we go outside to walk and breathe fresh air.

I am lagging, still spinning from overstimulation and shame.

And I am still very fucking angry at the gentle mother for stepping aside so easily and allowing the dragon to consume her babies.

We walk, and I try my hardest to come back down to earth.

Then we walk past the same teenagers we saw the day before, sitting together, smoking weed on a log.

I look over at my babies and, for the millionth time, I remember.

This is so hard, and this is so brief.

You will replace me soon.

You will rebel against me.

This is so brief.

This is our time. And what am I doing with it?

I remember, too, that I am shaping the tone and language of their inner voice.

All by the time they are 7, the internet tells me.

It breaks my heart. I could cry at the way I sometimes talk to them.

I could cry, too, at the sound of my inner critic.

Who would I be and what would I have done if that voice weren’t quite so cruel?

Am I doing this to them?

Am I creating little monsters for them?

The shame envelops me and I feel like an absolute fucking failure.

A failure at every turn, mind you.

I’m failing at my career.

I’m failing at keeping my house clean.

I’m failing at my relationship.

I’m failing at being the gentle mother, that I swear I will be every day upon waking.

— from a voice memo I recorded to myself after our walk last week. I just needed to get these spinning thoughts out, as I imagine most of us do when shame swamps us. Whenever I write something especially depressing, I feel the need to add the caveat: BUT I AM ALSO OKAY! And I am. And this is hard. And if you relate, I hope knowing that you’re not alone helps.

I think moving with these thoughts also helps, so this week’s 60-minute LRY class was created around this theme and called “Don’t Feed the Little Monster.” See below for a free week trial and sale details. xo

Living Room Yoga Summer Sale

6/1-6/14

One week left on our Little Bit Every Day program and sale. I’m releasing 20-minute classes every day to help keep you (or get you back) in the habit of doing something good for yourself. Especially during the summertime marketing push of being ready for less clothing. We are ready. And that is not why we move! LRY is here to help you move through your life with more joy and ease, not add stress and guilt.

Save $120 on the Annual Membership and $60 off biannual (if you’re paying monthly).

Join our global community now for full access to:
✨ 3 live classes every week
✨ 2–4 short On-Demand classes weekly
✨ 3 guided meditations each week
✨ Curated weekly practice suggestions
✨ A supportive community forum
✨ Our ever-growing On-Demand library of 470 classes

Your home for safe, fun, freeing movement.

Try a free week here.

CODES:

SUMMERSALE6 (biannual)

SUMMERSALE12 (annual)

And a reminder, no one will be turned away for lack of funds. Financial assistance is always available. You can reach out to me with no questions asked at hello@livingroomyoga.co

See you back here later this week for a light-hearted This Should Fix It 003!